I wanted to write this last night, but I was beat up from the activities earlier that day and I did not have enough strength to force myself to turn on the laptop. Thoughts came a little before midnight and I was crying silently while wiping my drool. It still bothered me this afternoon, but Jesse talked to me and I started to feel better. I probably won't be crying tonight but the feeling still lingers.
After high school, I enrolled in a six-month gig supposedly to learn about designing and such. Didn't really learn anything from that, but it did strengthen my love for fashion design. I started editing my ukay clothes by cutting, sewing, slashing, deconstructing, etc. Why not try experiment with a 5-peso top? Haha. By 2006, I enrolled in the UPD as a Clothing Technology major. I was in love! I had so much fun and stress that I couldn't think of anything else but drawing and sewing... oh, and food, too. After three semesters, I had to apply for an honorable dismissal because I would leave the country. I wasn't able to finish my sophomore year.
Since I still had a few months left in the motherland, I decided to do a part-time gig as an in-house stylist for a local store of this really awesome, super nice lady. I was hired as a part-time employee to paint, embellish, deconstruct, reconstruct, etc. clothes. My actual schedule was Mondays to Fridays, 2-6 pm. This job was the most awesome job I had so far and I enjoyed it too much that I come before the mall opens and stay there until 6. I loved what I was doing and I loved the people I worked with. Then came January and I had to say goodbye to those wonderful people because I was really leaving the country.
Before coming here, I had dreams of making it big as a designer here in the islands. My aunt owns a small Polynesian clothing shop and I thought I could start from there. We stayed with her for 2 years and I helped cut, sew and design both Poly and modern clothes. I went to school to get my Associate's Degree and majored in Business Admin since I would use it when I start my own biz. I graduated, with honors :], and I thought I was ready to start the life that I want.
Reality hit me. I can't afford to study again immediately and I had to work to help with my fam's finances since we moved to a place of our own. I'm currently working for a distributor company for a year and a half now. I still want to go back to school and work with clothing, but I started to get scared.
I fear that if I go back to school, it would cause money problems for my family. I fear that I won't be able to keep up with my studies. i fear that studying will keep me from being able to provide for myself.
I'm not sure if I still have it. For this past year, I haven't done much of what I really want to do. Office work really drains me out that I don't even want to think when I get home. I just want to lie down on my futon and go online since it doesn't require me to think. I do have a few sketches, but I don't feel proud about my work now. Doubt came over me. I don't entirely trust my taste and skills anymore. I haven't used a sewing machine for over a year. The thought of being a 23-year-old freshie makes me feel left out. My batch mates in the PI had been working with fashion right after graduating and some of them actually opened their own (online) stores, but I haven't done anything close to that.
I'm scared to take risks. I'm not as brave as I was before. I no longer have the courage to sacrifice one thing that currently makes life a little comfortable in order to do something else that would make me feel good about myself, even if I won't be having that same income. It's sad that I'm starting to think of giving in to a mediocre life with a mediocre job that I don't want just to get by with life.