Tonight's Headlines

Life is tough right now. Too tough to find time to write on a blog. It's actually disappointing dahil di na ko marunong magsulat (kung marunong man ako before). Anyhoo, life is life... ups and downs and all.

We recently purchased a house and I'm still adjusting to the financial aspect of it. The feeling of not being able to pay your mortgage is scary. I can't put anything on my savings because all my paychecks revolve around the house. On the upside, it's great that we can do our own thing and there are no lonely people living downstairs complaining of how we walk at night.

I've purchased my ticket to California already, but I don't have a return date yet. Ang tapang ko noh? I don't even have my spending money put aside yet, but I'm not too scared about this one... at least not yet. Haha. I'm excited. I'm going to see my cousins and a potential city I could move to. Hay... dreams...

After four years and 8 months, I finally filed my resignation letter with my day job. It was very challenging, but I've learned a lot. There are so many things that I've learned that I could apply to my future business(es). My last day will be on October and I'm really excited to start something new.

P.S.
I actually started writing this entry for the purpose of venting out because of the current struggles I'm dealing with, especially with my financials. Writing it all down makes me feel better. It reminds me that the Almighty God is there and won't give me anything I can't handle.

One Year Later...

After more than a year of having two jobs and taking more volunteer work, I can finally feel the exhaustion. I really try not to complain. I truly am grateful that I have two jobs in the middle of the unemployment crisis. I truly appreciate His provisions... even if I don't have a lot of extra to spare, all my bills are paid on time. But most of the time, I feel that I am pushing myself to hard.

At the same time, I feel unaccomplished. I see people my age moving forward in their careers and I'm currently stuck buying toilet papers and plastic utensils for a living. I want change but I don't want to disappoint the people I love to help because I'm thinking of myself first. There are more ventures that must be explored, but it's hard to choose which of my current responsibilities do I have to drop or put on hold. The feeling of floating through life is not something I ever wanted.

Dreaming of and working hard for one's own success should not be considered selfish, especially if that will benefit another person in the long run. But somehow, I am stuck with the idea that I should put others' happiness before mine. A friend advised that I should think of my own happiness first. The people around me will be disappointed at first, but at least I won't be living the rest of my life wondering of the "what-ifs". And that, in turn, will prevent me from having lingering reasons to blame others.

I trust myself to pull through with whatever this is.

i need balls

I've been looking for a flash, better lenses, and a new laptop for my photos. Asked my dear ate for advice on what to get and she said, "If you buy, promise yourself that you will get photography jobs." That scared the fat out of me... well, not really. I mean, the fat out of me, but the scared part is true.

Honestly, I've been holding back and not posting any photos that I took. Part of it is because my HP is acting patootles and my photos are stuck there. But mostly, I'm just plain scared. To be judged, criticized, or rejected. It's dumb because most people are oblivious to stuff they're not interested in, but still, I am scared. I know that I have a lot to learn and I tell myself not to do anything until I have enough skills to pull it off. But I also know that I'm never gonna get anywhere if I think like that.

Ok. Let's do this!!

One of those random blogs

I've been wanting to blog for quite a while, but I always get lazy when the laptop is in front of me. By the way, I'm not using my HP. Dear boyfriend lent me his old laptop because my HP is breaking down too early. It just made 2 years and the screen is already broken, it heats up... really really heats up until it shuts down itself sometimes, and the fan is too noisy. I promised myself that I will get a Mac soon.

There's a flashdrive in my bag that I never used for the longest time. I had to transfer some files so I used it, and there I saw... pictures. Skinny pictures of myself. Then much more skinnier pictures. I WANT THAT AGAIN. Haha

Gah. I need to stop this nonsense. Hopefully I'll be sane the next time I blog. Tah tah!

hula and hullaballoos

Another month passed since my last entry. There's nothing really new to say... just the same old, same old. My life is definitely not boring, at least according to my standards. There are no real rest days. Weekend rests are non-existent.

Last Friday, I went to auntie's shop for the first time in a couple of years. I was slow. haha. There was no practice at all and I have to double check my steps. I was standing up for 5 hours with a few minutes break once in a while. It was fun as much as it was tiring. I love the touch of the fabric and sound of the shears. I have a lot to learn... and a lot to finish.

Today, I danced hula (real hula) for the first time. The Hawaii delegation will perform on the first night in the Florida conference. I think I did pretty good for someone who does not have any experience at all.

This week had it's disappointments: work, sick, dramas. Whew. I'm glad it's over and hoping it won't happen again. Everyday, I still force myself to get up and put on a happy face for work. I just remind myself that God has a purpose and everything will fall in place in His perfect timing.

I'm really looking forward to the Florida trip. Finally! My first out-of-state trip. I'm really grateful to Jesus and my church for funding this trip. But I have to get my hula straight first :)

I just finished calculating the current balances of my loans and credit cards. Let's just say I would be ecstatic and probably could afford a few cosmetic surgeries if I have that amount in my savings account. Never in my life I imagined that I would have that much debt. Of course, my car payment isn't due within the next seven months of this year, but it's a bit overwhelming to know that I am in debt.

I was thinking of going back to school by fall, but it seems unlikely now. At least until I can finish my credit card payments. That also means, no shopping at all. BTW, just off topic, I came up with a statement. "Don't buy clothes. Just lose weight." It's because I have so much clothes... I just can't fit in them. Haha. Anyway... going back to school. I still have about 8 grand in my past loan. I'm not sure if I can afford to add to that. There will always be scholarships available, I'm just not sure which ones I can actually get. I decided to enroll (if I do enroll) in a community college for now. I will be self supporting and I can't afford the university, yet. I might also have to study part-time in order to pay off some of what I owe.

Dahlia (my car) also needs/requires money. Gas, though it went down a bit, isn't cheap. The monthly payments and insurance also add up. I'm not complaining about it. I'm just stating the obvious. I love Dahlia and really grateful to Him for this gift. I just have to be more strategic with my budget.

I'm praying for guidance. I'm in a state of slight confusion and I really don't know what to do.

Philippians 4:19 (NIV) "And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus."

Banana Muffins!

The sixth and last batch... for now :) It was a success! Thanks to my older sister and my cousin for the recipe.

i wish i can write more here, but i don't want it to be a blog that's too depressing to read...

lightbulb moment.

yes, it took me two months to think about this. not gonna give details. just wait for it :)

JaNick: The Wedding (07.24.2010)

I wasn't too sure how to start this post. Until now, I still don't know what approach I'm gonna do, but I'm just gonna wing it because I fell that I have to write about this. Most of my posts are about me: sad me, happy me, angry me, crazy me. But tonight, I want to write about someone else.

These two people are very special. I haven't known them that long, but they have made such an impact in my life.

I've met Janice on my first Sunday in Hawaii. My family went to this small church near my aunt's house. My aunt introduced me to Janice, who was the praise team vocalist that time. She was the first person to talk to me and immediately I know that she's very genuine. She and her sister, Jennifer, are very friendly and very comfortable to be with. She always talked to the new girl and made me feel at home in this new church family that I'm going to be a part of.

Eventually, I had to take over as the vocalist since she had to start her internship in a hospital. Talk about God's perfect timing, huh? :) I saw less of her in church since she had to work on Sundays. One of the most awesome things about her, besides her loving purple, is that she really values the people around her. When she had a chance to go to church, she sometimes takes me out to lunch just to talk. (I owe her a lot of sushi!) Every now and then, I would update her with what's happening in the church and she would share her thoughts and ideas what we could do to help our church. She is a wonderful sister in Christ.

I met Nick a little later. Janice introduced him to me when they went to our church one Sunday. I thought he's pretty cool and smart as he was able to hold conversations with Jesse. Hey, that's talent! Haha. And a DJ dating a nurse, that's awesome!

I found out that they've been together since Janice's junior year in high school. For me, that's amazing how two people are able to stay faithful and just fall in love more and more with each other even when they started dating young. It's rare to find that kind of commitment in most younger couples today.

In September of 2008, I got an email from Janice. It's a youtube link. I clicked on it and there he was, in Ala Moana Center, kneeling down in front of her officially asking her to be his wife. Like I said, I haven't known them that long, but I probably watched that video five times that night and getting teary eyed with happiness. Ah... true love. :)

Last Saturday, a year and a half later after Nick proposed, in front of their friends and family,
they vowed to love each other forever.


~ it was a lovely, sunny day ~


































~ Nick is super excited! ~








~ Gorgeous Jen, sis of the bride ~





~~ The lovely bride trying to hold back the tears :) ~~









~~ The Kiss ~~












~ Sand ~




~~ Entrance to the reception hall ~~





It was such a beautiful wedding and I can't come up with words to describe it. I'll just let my photos tell you how it is. BTW, I wasn't able to take pics during the reception. I was having a special moment with my tako poke, mantau and peking duck, spinach and lettuce ceasar salad and prime rib. :)


Janice and Nick,
Thank you for letting me be a part of your special day. I know God will bless your marriage because both of you are in His will. Just remember to fall in love more with each other. I know you both will still have your Just Dance moves and I hope you will continue to play that Wii game even if you're 85 and old and wrinkly :) You are such a good model for couples and I pray that God will give me the same happiness that you have found with each other.

I love you!
Tenten

palpitating

i've been having mild chest pains recently while i'm at work. it might be psychological, but still... i've been working for about 9.5 hours average daily for the past few months and i still can't seem to finish everything.

i really need to have my eyes checked. i can't even read stuff about 6 feet away from me. or recognize faces about 5 feet away when i'm not wearing my glasses.

every moment i can, i pray to God that He will help me stay positive. it's really hard to be grateful when you're stressed. but i try my best...

fear

I wanted to write this last night, but I was beat up from the activities earlier that day and I did not have enough strength to force myself to turn on the laptop. Thoughts came a little before midnight and I was crying silently while wiping my drool. It still bothered me this afternoon, but Jesse talked to me and I started to feel better. I probably won't be crying tonight but the feeling still lingers.

-----
After high school, I enrolled in a six-month gig supposedly to learn about designing and such. Didn't really learn anything from that, but it did strengthen my love for fashion design. I started editing my ukay clothes by cutting, sewing, slashing, deconstructing, etc. Why not try experiment with a 5-peso top? Haha. By 2006, I enrolled in the UPD as a Clothing Technology major. I was in love! I had so much fun and stress that I couldn't think of anything else but drawing and sewing... oh, and food, too. After three semesters, I had to apply for an honorable dismissal because I would leave the country. I wasn't able to finish my sophomore year.

Since I still had a few months left in the motherland, I decided to do a part-time gig as an in-house stylist for a local store of this really awesome, super nice lady. I was hired as a part-time employee to paint, embellish, deconstruct, reconstruct, etc. clothes. My actual schedule was Mondays to Fridays, 2-6 pm. This job was the most awesome job I had so far and I enjoyed it too much that I come before the mall opens and stay there until 6. I loved what I was doing and I loved the people I worked with. Then came January and I had to say goodbye to those wonderful people because I was really leaving the country.

Before coming here, I had dreams of making it big as a designer here in the islands. My aunt owns a small Polynesian clothing shop and I thought I could start from there. We stayed with her for 2 years and I helped cut, sew and design both Poly and modern clothes. I went to school to get my Associate's Degree and majored in Business Admin since I would use it when I start my own biz. I graduated, with honors :], and I thought I was ready to start the life that I want.

Reality hit me. I can't afford to study again immediately and I had to work to help with my fam's finances since we moved to a place of our own. I'm currently working for a distributor company for a year and a half now. I still want to go back to school and work with clothing, but I started to get scared.

I fear that if I go back to school, it would cause money problems for my family. I fear that I won't be able to keep up with my studies. i fear that studying will keep me from being able to provide for myself.

I'm not sure if I still have it. For this past year, I haven't done much of what I really want to do. Office work really drains me out that I don't even want to think when I get home. I just want to lie down on my futon and go online since it doesn't require me to think. I do have a few sketches, but I don't feel proud about my work now. Doubt came over me. I don't entirely trust my taste and skills anymore. I haven't used a sewing machine for over a year. The thought of being a 23-year-old freshie makes me feel left out. My batch mates in the PI had been working with fashion right after graduating and some of them actually opened their own (online) stores, but I haven't done anything close to that.

I'm scared to take risks. I'm not as brave as I was before. I no longer have the courage to sacrifice one thing that currently makes life a little comfortable in order to do something else that would make me feel good about myself, even if I won't be having that same income. It's sad that I'm starting to think of giving in to a mediocre life with a mediocre job that I don't want just to get by with life.

Self-pity sucks.

trial pics - faces

peoples!

again, i don't have photoshop so i couldn't edit the photos. the only i can do is adjust the contrast in microsoft photo editor.

trial photos - random stuff

random stuff around :]

i don't have photoshop so i wasn't able to edit the colors. i only did some contrast adjustments to some. i don't really remember which photos i did it on. haha

end of month entry

I suck at maintaining a blog. Or maybe I'm just a really boring person. Or maybe I'm just a really lazy person. Haha.

My last entry was my birthday wish list. I actually got the stuff I want... PILLOWS!!!!!! Jesse gave a body pillow with a plush cover and Phoebe gave me Boink, a piggy pillow with bead cushions inside. Somehow, I manage to use all my five pillows at the same time. :] Auntie Linda, Jesse's mom, bought me purple towels. BEST GIFTS EVER!!!!!



This is Boink :]

I also didn't forget to give myself a gift. I finally convinced myself, after long rationalizations and with Jesse's encouragement, to buy myself a good camera. After five years of waiting, I have something I need. Sige na nga, "want" na nga. I haven't named my baby, yet. I haven't actually played with it much, either :( Just tested out the pre-set settings (tama ba yun?). Took pictures of my dad cutting mum's hair, mum looking scared because she felt like it was too short, and Aly with her kulet face. This weekend, I plan to take pictures of our neighborhood so Ate can finally see what our place looks like. I'm still scared to bring the camera to the beach. It's hard to body board with a DSLR on your neck kasi. Haha.

I'm learning how to body board. We went to Bellows AFB three Saturdays ago and I was able to catch a few waves. Bellows is a good "learning" beach. No need to swim out far. We just had to stand about 30 feet from the shore and catch waves from there. Aly was able to catch a few waves herself. She's having a bit harder time because the body board is too big for her. I was planning to take videos of Aly, but I fell asleep. ;D

Can't wait for the three-day weekend! Woo!

my 23rd birthday wishlist :]

6 more days!

normal stuff (ones that i really need but not my priority buys. LOL)

1) PILLOWS - good, fluffy ones.
2) TOWELS - purple, please! haha
3) BEDSHEETS - with pillow covers! plain ones would be awesome.
4) LARGE PLASTIC DRAWERS - yeah.. my old ones are bent :(
5) SPORTS SOCKS - coz i have to play volleyball
6) "RENT" DVD - i can't find mine. boohoo
7) SLIPPERS - regular slippers. i want the gold one from Old Navy or the soft one from Sports Authority haha
8) BATH/SHOWER SOAP - i like "bodycology" from wal-mart. about 4 bucks each.
9) PAJAMAS - i love sleep clothes!
10) LEGAL SIZED, LANDSCAPE, THREE-RING BINDER



ridiculous! (things that i can't do without, but would be nice to have. :] )

1) BAG - from betseyville, betsey johnson, or patricia field
2) SPA - full body massage. foot spa. a facial treatment. waxing. haha
3) DSLR
4) HD CAMCORDER
5) HAIRCUT - a really nice one. no Supercuts and Fantastic Sams!
6) LAPTOP FIX - bleh. my laptop screen is getting worse :(
7) WACOM - heehee.
8) CONTACT LENSES/GLASSES - this one i do need. but it's just too expensive!
9) SHOPPING SPREE
10) A TRIP OUTSIDE HAWAII

just for fun. it's my birthday anyway. haha

hello again, blogworld!

Half a year passed since my last post. A lot of things had happened and that's the real reason I don't blog. Things are happening at the moment and there was no time to go here and write about it. Maybe my real dilemma is figuring out what events are interesting enough to keep you reading. Yes, you, my dear reader who I truly admire because of your patience.

Like I've said, a lot of things happened while I was away from blogging. Maybe I should just do a "top ten" list (in no particular order):

1) I made a year at my job. It's not my dream job, but it does pay the bills. Even if there are stress factors that make me want to pull my hair, I still find the self-fulfillment of sucking up a lot of bull and do a good job. :]

2) Watches "Glee", "How I Met Your Mother", "The Big Bang Theory", and a few more shows. It's so nice to have an inexpensive, "me" time. :]

3) I paid off my PayPal credit card. My budget is balanced. Whew!

4) Something bad happened to our church, but it turned out to be a blessing in disguise. People stepped up to the plate. I felt closer to the other members. Our pianist and guitarist now sings, too! Hooray!

5) I learned how to make molten lava cake. Yeah. Haha.

6) The love for anime was revived. I'm not sure if that's a good thing, but it's another way of bonding with him.

7) I kept in touch with friends from here and the PI. Even if we're miles apart, I'm still sort of up to date with what's happening down there. Thank you, Facebook! And my college friends here, we somehow find time for each other. I believe this is a really important thing.

8) Met new people and thankful how they affected my life positively.

9) Fell in love with my family more.

10) I'm now in a relationship and I'm truly joyful. We may not always be happy, but we learned how to appreciate the little things that we do for each other and learn how to forgive. And to keep our mouth shut when needed to avoid arguments that don't make sense.

These are my ultimate highs. Yes, some of them may be too simple. But when you learn to appreciate the little things in life, that's what makes life more wonderful. :]

rockband friday and lumpia night

i've been eating my mum's bean sprout lumpia the whole day. AND I'M REALLY REALLY REALLY HAPPY ABOUT IT :]

we had a farewell lunch for one of our coworkers today and i brought 30 pieces of the filipino lumpia complete with spicy garlic vinegar. of course, i had to take the bus this morning and the suka is in a ziploc container. it started leaking through my paper bag while i was still in waipahu! dang... thankfully, i got to work without any of it on my clothes. whew! coworkers really liked it and 30 pieces wasn't enough. haha. oh wells.



~
~~bye, vio! :]~~



vee and tiny showed up tonight. tiny brought her rockband and we played for 3 hours. of course, we had to eat and i fried more lumpia :]



tiny's head got stuck between the ball and the futon :D

i usually have a lot that i want to write about, but i always don't. during the day, something interesting would happen or i would just have an idea to write about but i would just forget about everything due to lots of distractions like facebook, texting, blah blah blahs. there was a point when i thought of totally leaving the blog world since i'm not so sure if i really want other to people to know what i've been up to or listen to my rants. anyways, i guess i'm still here.




i'm still as emotional as always. (i don't really want to use the word "emo" because people would automatically think of bangs, eyeliners, black shirts, and skinny pants.)

i feel overworked in my job because we're short on people. there was a potential newbie that came in yesterday and a few days before that, but i'm not sure if she'll take the job. if she does, i can hand her over the contracts so i can concentrate on the special accounts that i handle. i still have yet to submit my personal evaluation so i can ask for a raise. praying silently and crossing my fingers for that.

also been thinking really hard about going back to school. it seems like that i'm going to stay here in hawaii instead of moving to san fran and i would be really really really really really really really really really really really really happy if that happens. :] i started sketching again. went back to basics. like triangles-and-ovals-basic kind of sketching. really need to improve my illustration to better express my visions. i know i'm a good designer, but i've noticed i lost my passion. i've been so drowned out by a lot of distractions. i'm not happy about it, but i'm now getting back there. been browsing online a lot too for some studies on how to start an online clothing business.

love life... hmmm.. it's better than before. a working progress, i might say. not completely there, but leaning towards it. again, praying and crossing my fingers for it.






on a lighter note, MANNY PACQUIAO WON!! the filpino pride made history by being the first boxer to win 7 weight titles, one more than the golden boy, oscar dela hoya. chee hoo!

flowers

a few months back, i believe it was mother's day season, my coworker asked me if i've received flowers before. i said, "yeah, but not really." yes, i received some flowers four times in my life but i don't think they really count. why? because it's not the boy-gives-girl-flowers-cuz-he-likes-her deal.

Here.


Number 1
It was my high school graduation. I had a boyfriend back then, but it wasn't an official one. Meaning, it would cause panic/anger/and prolly some form of violence. Anyways, my dad gave me a bunch of flowers when I finally got my diploma. Sweet! Don't get me wrong. I got really excited, but it's a happy/proud dad kind of flowers.


Number 2
I was dating this guy back then. He told me that he wanted to give me a single white rose for my birthday because he said it's pure. Eh? My birthday that year fell on a Sunday and he had no choice but to give it to me at church. He doesn't really know what to do, so he put the rose in his pocket to hide it from other people. When he saw me, he took it out and handed me... the stem. Yep, the rose head was gone. He doesn't know what happened and just threw away whatever is left. Smart, eh?


Number 3
This one definitely doesn't count. The third sich was my 18th birthday. So all the flowers they gave me, I (well, mum) bought them. Blah.


Number 4
This is another story of a single white rose. Imagine; lights dimmed and there were only blue candles in the room. Then, somebody gave me a single, white rose. Then, he also gave the person next in line a rose. It was my Phi Theta Kappa Induction ceremony. All the inductees were given a single, white rose. Yep. Just another school ritual.



yep, true stories.